In Search of a Wing-Person

Last week, at a bar in DC, I met this really really really cute girl.   My (straight-lady) friend and I were having a girl’s night out.  We’d danced it up at several places, a mix of queer and not-queer bars, and had had an absolute blast.  We decided to head to one final bar to close out the night.  The bar was fairly empty, with a smattering of queer ladies at each of the bars, and a handful of people dancing around the perimeter of the floor.  We headed to the back bar, which was more heavily populated and away from the pumping music.  We started a friendly conversation with two women, and after a bit of chatting, I went over to get another drink.  I was trying to get the bartender’s attention, and the super cute butch on the bar stool next to me struck up a conversation.  I don’t really remember what we talked about, but I stayed after I got my drink and kept talking to her.  My friend seemed to be having a good time talking with the girls we’d met earlier and so I didn’t feel like I was ditching her or anything.  The girl at the bar, we’ll call her N, had short, spiky black hair and lots of tattoos.  My friend Dan always claims that all the women I’m into look exactly the same, and if he had been with me that night, he would have spotted N from across the room and known instantly that she’d make me tongue-tied and giddy.  She seemed to be into me, too, because she kept leaning toward me and touching my arm and lower back.  I was reciprocating and the conversation (whatever it was about) was flowing easily.  But it was late, and my friend wanted to leave, so N and I exchanged numbers and I left.

Since then, N and I have texted a bit, but I always initiate and she never ends with a question or tries to continue the conversation.  I can’t tell if she’s not that into me or if she’s just a concise, concrete texter.  She always seems to reply right away, and mentioned that she’ll be at a particular bar tonight.  I had been thinking of going out anyway, and so I texted her and said I’d been planning on going to that bar tonight anyway, so I’d see her there.  I realized it would be less awkward if I had a friend with me so that if she wasn’t interested or didn’t show, I wouldn’t be dancing alone.  I normally have no problem going out on my own, but I’m so unsure of whether N is into me or not (based on her texts) and this bar (and the DC gay scene) is still intimidating to me a little bit. I think I just need time to get used to how things work here, but it’s been a while since I’ve dated at all and DC’s gay scene is very different from Philly’s (where I was living before I moved here).  Another consideration is that it’s occurred to me I could run into my ex-gf.  My ex and I ended on ok terms and have sort of tried to be friends, meeting up for coffee once or twice since the breakup.  Still, I know that she resents me for ending the relationship and that she might say something hurtful if she’s drunk.  I try not to give aaaany of the sh*ts about what she thinks of me, but if N rejects me and I’m alone at the bar, I don’t think I could take her being a jerk.  For all of these reasons, it would be nice to have a friend/wing-person with me.  There is one big problem with this: I’ve texted/called/fb messaged everyone I know in the city and everyone is busy or sick or working early tomorrow.

After begging Dan to please please come out with me, I’d buy him a drink, I’d find him a boyfriend, etc, and his 50th refusal, we concocted a brilliant plan.  Brilliant.  Earlier in the night, I’m going to go solo to our favorite gay-guy bar  in DC.  We both always meet tons of people there (for him usually romantically and for me usually platonically). Dan suggested that I head to our bar and “pick-up” a wing-man to take with me to the other bar to meet N.  “You’ll have no problem.” Dan told me, “The gays LOVE you.”  I’ve been friends with gay men ever since gay men my age started coming out during my high school years.  We always just seem to click. I think it’s because of how I rock the femmey-queer thing combined with my ability to converse endlessly about RuPaul’s Drag Race.  My favorite part is that the gay guys I meet always try to set me up with their one lesbian friend, who sounds great until they mention that she lives in Seattle, has a serious girlfriend, and never visits DC.   I think it’s pretty awesome and could totally be successful, but it requires some serious flirting on my part.  I have to turn on the charm to friend-flirt up the gays and convince them to wing-man for a total stranger.  DC gay men, in my experience, tend to LOVE all lesbians and so I feel like they’ll be super enthusiastic about helping me and N find love (or at least a whole bunch of sex).  I hope so anyway.  Then, I’ll have to hardcore turn the flirt on for N so that I can figure out if she’s into me or if I’m going to be permanently friend-zoned.  I’ll let you know how it all turns out!!




I guess I should start off with some introductions.  To put myself in a few boxes (which I hate to do, but seems a necessary part of introducing oneself), I identify as a queer, 20-something, single, femme woman.  I recently moved to the DC area, and though I have some friends here (and an ex-girlfriend), I’ve been making an effort to go out and meet new people as much as possible.  My girlfriend of two years and I broke up about 4 months ago, and I’m enjoying my new single-dom.  My love life has always been crazy and besides that relationship, which was FAR from drama-free, I tend to be single more often then not.  I always feel whilst in long term relationships, that some part of my freedom and individuality gets slowly sapped.  Someday, I want to find love (whatever that really means) and settle down, but for now I’m enjoying the freedom that single-dom brings and relishing the exciting, unpredictable nature of my love life.

This blog is intended to be an exploration of gender and sexuality as well as (hopefully) a serious of entertaining anecdotes from my rather chaotic and somewhat bumpy love life.  I’m keeping my identity (as well as the identity of all other people mentioned in this blog) completely private, so that I can be more candid without fearing repercussions on my personal, professional, and romantic spheres.  I decided to call myself “The Fierce Femme” because being femme has become a big part of my queer identity, although I’ve struggled with the label (This article expresses it more eloquently than I ever could:  To me, the word “fierce” implies confidence and strength – ownership of ones own body and identity and an unapologetic courage to be exactly oneself.  While I don’t always live up to this, it’s something I strive toward.  I like to think of myself as a confident person, and I’ve been trying to own my curves and to exude the sexy confidence I know is hiding within me somewhere.  Sometimes I feel like a strong, beautiful, sex-goddess, but sometimes I look in the mirror in doubt and tell myself over and over again that I am beautiful, wanting to believe it so badly as I obsess over my weight or my height or my skin and wonder why that girl I met last week hasn’t texted me back.  I think part of life is working toward loving oneself and feeling comfortable in ones own skin.   I sincerely hope that I do not offend anyone in my writing.  (If you feel offended, please let me know! –

This blog represents only my own unique perspective and experiences, and I do not intend it to be an all-encompasing, generalizing, or universal portrayal of the femme experience in any way.  I want this blog to be a sex-positive, body-affirming, queer-positive space and I will try to be as cognizant of the many sensitivities within gender politics and sexuality politics as I possibly can be.  I hope that my posts will be sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes poignant, and above all, both candid and entertaining.  I’m writing this for me, first and foremost, but I also aspire to be a voice in the conversation to which some readers may be able to relate.  I know I’ve found solace reading about the experiences of other queer femmes, and I hope I can be that voice for someone else.  Happy reading!

-The Fierce Femme